Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize