If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
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he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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