hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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