mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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