just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
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Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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