I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
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Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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