I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Pooping to opera.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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