Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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