Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
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DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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