the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
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I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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