dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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