Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
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Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone came in the potted fern
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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