I wannas sexs uuuuu
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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