Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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