I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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