Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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