It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
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Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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