I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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