the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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