You're my little dorito
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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