Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
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Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
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I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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