fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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