I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
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How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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