Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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