I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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I love how my cats smell like pot.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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