Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
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Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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