The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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