put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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