your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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