What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
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The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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