I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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