you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize