My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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