Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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my nose is crying tears of wow.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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