so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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