I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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