I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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