Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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