Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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