Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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