Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
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The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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