Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
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I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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