I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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