I'm gonna have a badass scar
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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