I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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