nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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