her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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