I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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