I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize