I accidentally had phone sex last night
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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